Nov 8, 2005
So I haven't written again in a very long time. Not that everything has been going all that well, because it hasn't. I just think that maybe it was one thing at a time and I was able to handle everything pretty well....but now it is that time of the year again....and I can't handle anything! I become completely broken....
One of the biggest things on my mind lately has been Brad being up for parole again in December. It has been 6 years already since he was sentenced. I found out that he will most likely serve no more than 12 years of his 18 year sentence. That is standard procedure for all major offenses....serve 2/3 of the time. Apparently, someone with half a brain realized that that is amazingly shitty and passed what is called the Truth in Sentencing Act. This law basically says that if you are sentenced to 18 years....your ass is gonna damn well sit in jail for 18 years. This was passed in January of 2000. Well Brad was sentenced in February of 2000.....so why you ask isn't this law affecting him???? Oh....well that is because he was charged with his crime in November of 1999....which is before January of 2000....and it took too fucking long for him to be sentenced. So basically since he will only be serving another 6 years....if I am lucky....I am that much closer to having to deal with him being released.
I have also been extremely bothered by the loss of someone a few years ago lately. I think about this person every single day. I dream about it....I wake up crying about it. I can't stop and I don't know what to do....
I am so incredibly lonely. Sometimes I don't mind being by myself....but lately I despise it. I can't stand being alone physically....but I even feel alone in my heart. I am just so empty....and broken.
I think I am spiraling already. It's definitely winter.....
Posted at 01:23 am by andyrea55
Apr 28, 2005
So I would like to think that I have doing pretty well as of recently....had one rough night last week due to a few drinks and a complete weirdo who told me that he would have my stepdad killed. So I think I had an ok reason to have a bad night then...but other than that things have been really pretty stable. I have been on my meds, doing fine with food, and just being myself and happy. But out of nowhere last night I was thrown back into the reality of my life and the fact that I will probably never be able to be a happy, whole person overall. Let me just preface this by saying that very very rarely do I ever remember my dreams...well lucky for me that I remember everything that happened in my dreams last night. Some were flashbacks...that I don't really think I need to go into detail about other than that I was reliving some of the most torcherous moments of my life. It felt so real...it was like I was actually there again in those situations. Then later on in the dream my stepdad was getting released from prison...he haunted me and my family until he eventually killed all of us. Before he killed me he hurt me one last time of course. It just went on and on....and the dream even replayed itself a few times.
Noone can ever know what it feels like to be kept a prisoner in your own mind and body for the rest of your life. You will never begin to imagine the thoughts that haunt me everyday and no matter how hard you try....they are always there reminding you that you are damaged and not like everyone else. They remind you that you are weak. I can try and pretend that I am strong and that I have moved on the best I could have....but I know otherwise. So many people have told me that I am the strongest person that they have ever met in their lives...that makes me feel ashamed. I feel like I have tricked people into admiring a failure, a liar, a mask. I just want to be a person who can go through one day and not have to feel disgusted by who they are or what they were made to endure.
I just wanted to make the best out of the situation that I could...but I don't feel like I have done anything to help myself or others from suffering. I don't understand what the purpose is for me and why it was me who had to go through this. I always told myself that I was made stronger because of it and if I could survive that then I could survive anything...but the truth is...I am probably the weakest person I know.
Posted at 07:07 pm by andyrea55
Feb 23, 2005
I am so excited to leave for Nationals...mostly because I love the girls and it will be tons of fun...but honestly...I need to get the fuck out of here away from certain people. I feel like a completely different person when I am around here just by how annoying everyone is and in return I am this incredably irritated person. I wish that I was already done with school and that I lived by myself!
Can I last another 2 months here?? Doubt it.....
Posted at 10:47 pm by andyrea55
Feb 9, 2005
So today was not one of my best days...then again lately, none of them have been. I guess my day started going downhill during one of my classes. This whole class is based on a group experiment and so everyday the five of us work together. They have gotten on my nerves many times since all they seem to want to talk about is weed and stupid shit like that....well today for some reason, there were quite a few random comments made about incest. I clenched my hands and laughed along and did what I needed to do to get through the class. Just to come back to an apartment where I am constantly pissed off. You would never imagine how incredibly hard it is to clean up after yourself and to have common courtesy for other people. So all of that just got added onto my constant downhill battle until Valentine's Day and the entire winter season.
So I was hoping that when I threw up tonight that it was just a one time "stress relief" thing. Actually, I talked about that the other day...how bulimia sort of took the place of me cutting. But, I suppose neither one is the answer. Anyways, I am hoping that it was just some slip up and won't turn into anything more. But when I look around me....all I see is people gaining weight and getting fatter. I can't do that! I can never gain weight like that. It's so disgusting! It's weird how fat people are supposed to feel pressured by thinner people....but it seems like thinner people feel pressured by seeing so many bigger people all around that they will do anything to never become that. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore......
Posted at 11:12 pm by andyrea55
Feb 7, 2005
So I have started a "book".....though it will probably never get finished or anything. I suppose it is worth a try to see what I can get written down....and maybe out of my head for good. In the process however, I am reliving some things that I don't particularly want to. There are chunks of my life that have just simply been repressed....and now I am going through and reliving each section one by one. Not only am I reliving each part, but I am realizing for the first time all of the thoughts and feelings that were happening with me at that point in my life and why I have tried to just forget them.
The part I am reliving now is one that I have not talked about with many people. When I was in 8th grade...the news had just come out about who I actually was and the life of lies that I had been living. I was depressed, I was suicidal, I was ready to give up....but then I found some kind of connection. I met a boy from a different city who had only a small idea who I was or the trauma that was unfolding and I had only a slight idea about the miracle that he was and the peace that he would bring into my life. He knew bits and pieces about the abuse that I had suffered from my stepfather and that he would be going to jail because of me....and I knew bits and pieces about how he didn't have a relationship with his dad, how his mother had gone to jail for selling drugs, and how he had AIDS. I think that both of us were pretty much at the bottom of our lives at this time and it comforted us to know that there was someone out there who could relate. Looking back now, I don't think that I ever realized how amazing this kid actually was. He was born premature to a mother and abusive father in Colorado. This was in 1983....AIDS was just beginning to be learned about, but most still believed that it was only a disease that could travel through homosexuality. Anyways, because Jonathan was born premature he needed to receive a blood transfusion. The blood that they gave to him.....was infected with HIV. Jonathan became the first baby in the state of Colorado to contract the HIV virus. In the media he was known as the AIDS baby. So much happened in Jonathan's life from that point on that brought him to me. He became famous when entering preschool became an eight month battle that he finally won, he traveled throughout the country with his mother trying to find the best care making friends all along the way and then watching them die from the same disease that lay inside his body, he met Neil who would become the founder of Camp Heartland and soon he would also become Jonathan's foster father. Jonathan and his father stopped talking over the years and Jonathan's mother formed a drug addiction along the way and would be sent to jail to serve 3 life sentences. Jonathan had nowhere to turn and Neil saved him and brought him to his home in Wisconsin. I don't remember the first time that I met Jonathan or how we first started talking about our problems, but we soon became the one person that the other could talk to about anything. I also got to meet Neil a few times....I have probably never met a better person. Neil is an amazing person himself and I can only hope to touch one life in the way that he has touched the world. After a year of knowing and depending on each other, Jonathan got very sick. He was 17...3 years older than me...and so everyone thought that this time was it...Jonathan had caught some flu and was never going to get better. I talked to him on the telephone once while he was in his hospital bed. I think that we talked as if nothing was wrong...we both needed that. I talked to Neil almost everyday...and miraculously Jonathan started to get better. I went to see Jonathan once he returned home from the hospital. I cried so hard and just didn't stop. I loved Jonathan so much for being one of the best friends that I had ever had. And I was sick of my life and everything going wrong and losing people and just everything. I decided that day that I didn't want to be around when Jonathan died. I was going to cut ties before "god" screwed everything up for me again. Jonathan and I eventually stopped talking....and now it has been 5 years since I have talked to or seen Jonathan. When I thought of him today I just began to cry. I knew that I had waited too long to remember this part of my life. I knew that Jonathan couldn't have still had 5 years...they told him that he would not live past 20. Well I emailed Neil...Jonathan is in Utah now. He and his dad have some sort of relationship. Jonathan also has a wife and a brand new baby (neither of them have contracted HIV). Jonathan will be 22 in March and continues to defy all odds. In some ways, I feel that we both have.
Maybe someday Jonathan and I will talk again...
Someone out there always has it worse.
Posted at 03:04 am by andyrea55
Jan 25, 2005
So last night I was determined to get some sleep cuz I thought that would make everything a little easier...especially getting out of bed today. Wrong. I got enough sleep, but I still could not get my ass out of bed today...I just laid there again staring at the ceiling trying to find an answer. Although, at least today it only took me until 12:30 to get out of bed and not 4:00 like yesterday. No matter what tomorrow I HAVE to get out of bed.
I guess I am going to go try and have a productive day and not get back into bed at all....
Posted at 12:38 pm by andyrea55
Jan 24, 2005
Didn't Get Out of Bed Today
There is something wrong with me. I think it is more than just the normal bad day or whatever. This is the first time I have been out of bed today...and it's 4:00. Granted, this could be due to a lot of things; I didn't get hardly any sleep last night, my back hurts really bad due to me hitting it on the corner of a table last night at work, and who knows what else. But I think it is bigger than either of those...I was even just laying in bed staring at the ceiling for over an hour today. My mind was so cluttered I think that it just went to overload and had to go numb for awhile. This feels like the start of a slip...which is probably my fault to begin with seeing as how I have not been on my medication since around Thanksgiving. I have gone off my meds before...quite a few times actually...but I have never been off of them this long. I think I stayed off of them so long this time because for awhile I was doing pretty well. Now this past month has been a downward spiral....a very slow downward spiral at that though so I didn't pay much attention. Now I guess I know that it is only going to get worse before it gets better.....Feb. 14th is right around the corner and that's all I can think about lately. No it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day....how trivial would that be (I get so pissed if I hear anyone complain about Vday because they are going to be lonely or whatever...ugh how sickening)....anyways....this has nothing to do with that....Feb 14th is the anniversary of Brad's sentencing....and this year just happens to be the 5th year. I think that every year the anniversary gets harder and harder...for obvious reasons I would assume...every year anniversary of sentencing gets closer and closer to his release. The maximum amount of time that he would ever serve would be 18 years...HAAA...that doesn't ever happen! Say for just one minute that it would happen though....that means he is already one-third of the way done. But 18 years is full of empty hope...it will probably be more like 10 or 12...which means he is half way done!!!!!!!!!!! What have I done in my life during the past 5 years?!? Nothing really...nothing of significance. And in the next 5 years I will probably not do anything of significance with my life either. And now I just have to wait for the day that he gets out and have him ruin my life all over again. People don't understand. Yes they understand that I was a victim and that it is still going to be a struggle for me to relive the things that happened to me. But they can't even begin to comprehend what it's like to sit around and wait for the day that you are going to become a victim all over again. I don't know in what way he will make me a victim again....sometimes I think that he will get it done quick and just come and kill me for putting him in prison. Other times I think he will play mind games and stalk me and my family and keep us in fear...putting me in an invisible prison. Either way...he will do SOMETHING. Trust me...I know him.
Anyways...I don't even know what the point of this entry was anymore...I am going back to my bed.
Posted at 04:15 pm by andyrea55
Dec 16, 2004
You know what kind of tears I think are the worst? Silent tears. Tears that come so fast and so unexpectedly that you have no time to even think of making any noise. Noise would not even do these tears justice...they are so painful and deep that they speak for themselves...they need no wimpers or sniffels. These are the tears I cry.
Posted at 10:16 pm by andyrea55
Dec 14, 2004
I am so irritated and sick of people bitching and complaining about stupid shit lately!! I just wanna say shut the hell up and suck it up! If something is wrong....fine....obviously it is good to talk about it and everything, but talk about it and then get over it. Suck it up and don't make it seem like it is the end of the world when it is something soooooooo small. Everyone gets sick, everyone has pain, and everyone has things that go wrong.
Posted at 06:00 pm by andyrea55
Nov 13, 2004
Sometimes I feel there is a burning hole inside of me, an emptiness that can never and will never be replaced. Where this came from I am not completely sure. Maybe it was one of my experiences, or maybe it started with the first and kept growing and growing to the size it is today. An impossible void...
Maybe it is not a void...maybe it is just my overwhelming sense of ickiness...if that is even a word. Or maybe it is both.
Where is my life supposed to be headed? What is my purpose? How am I supposed to help others when I can't even help myself? How am I supposed to love and trust others when I don't love or trust myself?
Maybe I would feel my life had meaning if I had a person who depended on me for everything...whose entire life laid within my hands...but I threw that all away.
Posted at 10:30 pm by andyrea55